


14x18 Promo Coda

by bluerosebouquet



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Dean's Top 13 Zepp Traxx Mixtape, Ficlet, M/M, sad cas is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 10:06:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18386261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluerosebouquet/pseuds/bluerosebouquet
Summary: "You're dead to me."Cas digests the aftermath of those words Dean threw at him.





	14x18 Promo Coda

“You’re dead to me.”

The words echoed in his head, bouncing off the walls of his mind over and over in an endless loop.  The boys were gone, but Dean’s words remained, filling the silence in the dilapidated house as morning crept into the room, the minty glow of dawn filling the dirty windows as Cas watched from a rickety chair.

Sam had looked at him, almost pityingly as Dean slammed the door of the Impala, staring straight ahead and immediately cranking up the radio.  Cas could tell he was listening to Zeppelin, like he always did when he was upset.

“Don’t worry, Cas, we’ll find a way to fix this,” Sam had said, again solidifying his place as the most gentle among them.  He clapped a hand on Cas’ shoulder and gave him a small smile before getting in the Impala himself.  Cas smiled at him and watched the Impala tear away into the night.  He tried to see any sign of Dean looking back, even for a second.  It would be easier to push through this whole mess if there was any chance of forgiveness.

Cas suddenly remembered when the boys and Bobby had trapped him in holy fire and confronted him about working with Crowley, all those years ago.  Dean’s betrayal had been palpable then too, but even as they fled the house, he had stopped, turned around and they had locked eyes.  And even through the betrayal, the anger, the hurt in his eyes, Cas had seen the possibility of forgiveness.  Now?  He wasn’t so sure.

Watching the sunrise, Cas reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the little cassette tape that Dean had given him.  “Dean’s Top 13 Zepp Traxx.”  He had been almost nervous when he had handed it to him, looking at the ground with a gruff, “Gotta start your music education somewhere.”

Cas remembered smiling at him, their eyes meeting in the dim light of Dean’s room, and Dean leading him to the Impala in the garage, where they sat and listened to the whole tape, not saying anything.  Cas remembered really taking in the worn leather of the car, the first home he had ever really known, Dean humming along to song after song, knowing every beat and word and note of every song.  After the click of the end of the tape, Dean turned to Cas, who was in the passenger seat for once, and had said, almost softly,

“Well, you gotta tell me your favorite.”

Cas considered him, thinking through the bass beats and guitar solos and vocals, trying not to alter his decision based on the fact that this was one of the better moments of his life on earth.

“Maybe Ramble On.”

Cas hadn’t expected Dean’s whole face to split into a radiant smile, but it was a moment of warmth and sunlight that he wanted to hang onto for every second he could.  These smiles were so rare, Cas only saw them when he commented on a movie they were watching, when Sam told Dean that his cooking was better than a restaurant, or when Jack asked to go for a drive.  The moments that made Dean really happy, they were the moments that Cas began to crave himself.

But then he was back in the rundown house, with the sun peeking over the trees, holding the mixtape and all by himself.  Cas was more worried than he wanted to admit that he really was dead to Dean and those moments, those smiles, were only memories now.

Cas felt his heart clench, feeling much like the broken down house he was sitting in.  The boys were his family, Dean was his family, and having that taken away hurt much more than it ever had before.  It hurt more than when they had left him to Crowley, it hurt more than when they had left him with Meg, it even hurt more than when Dean had made him leave the Bunker to protect Sam.  This hurt the worst because it really felt like an ending, that maybe Dean wouldn’t forgive him, and that the only memory he would have of him was in the little mixtape in his lap.

He needed Dean, more than he could ever say, and he was terrified that Dean didn’t need him, that he would never need him again.

The sun had really risen now, the light spilling across the dirty floorboards.  Cas stood, shaking the paint chips and dust from his coat.  He pocketed the mixtape, looked around the room, and stepped out the door into the cool morning air, resolving himself to keep going, even if he wasn’t needed anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all know I had to write some angsty Cas from that angsty promo. Shoutout to Robert Berens because we all know he's gonna rip my heart out.


End file.
